| Fuss. |
[ | |
12.13.07 - 12.51am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Stone Temple Pilots. |
] |
I thought I knew who you were
I see now you were a lesson to learn
And all I am to you now is a bridge that's been burned
Now I was the first to believe
I made you part of my musical dream
And your thanks to me, came without an apology.
-Christina Aguilera.
|
|
| Unmentionable. |
[ | |
12.6.07 - 12.45am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
None. |
] |
I shouldn't even do this.
I really shouldn't.
But I think it goes without saying how upset I am that about two weeks ago we were supposed to be saying
"Awh, it's been a year of being best friends, look how far we've come, and I love you!"
Instead of silence.
Which is all I've gotten since Colorado.
Best friends for life.
You jump, I jump.
Lovers without a cause.
Yeah well.
Apparently you decided to leave the best friends part behind in Providence along with some lies to string me along.
I jumped, you just fell face first into bullshit.
I had a cause, you seem to have forgotten.
So I did too.
And now I'm with an amazing man who does amazing things that I've waited four long hellish years for.
I hope your satisfied with all you've put me through.
I hope that sick sense of happiness swelled inside you every time you ignored my phone calls.
I know how you can be.
BECAUSE LORD KNOWS ALL I WANTED WAS YOU TO FUCKING BE HAPPY.
And that all I have now were prom pictures I never got to send, uneaten lollipops, dead roses, some digital photos, a fingerpuppet, a tshirt, and Incubus songs on repeat.
You drove me fucking crazy, and for what reason?
So I could hear your answering machine every night for weeks, to talk to a recording of you just so I could hear your voice, leaving messages in tears telling you that I miss you.
Because I did, and part of me still does or I wouldn't be writing this.
Writing letters from two fucking states over HOPING FOR A FUCKING VISIT.
Making an effort.
FOR NO. REASON. AT ALL.
And I know where I place my blame.
The same place I have fucking placed it since the beginning.
You know it, and I fucking know it.
And I will point my fucking skinny fingers until YOU tell me otherwise.
There's still so many times that I want to pick up the phone and just try to say hello to you.
But the last time I called was your birthday, and the last time I cried about this before now was on MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY when you didn't even bother to attempt acting like you give a shit.
And I wonder if you ever have to begin with.
I wonder if you were ever honestly happy.
Do you remember my smile? Do you remember dancing with me? Do you remember the beach and the carnival?
And house, and telling our dreams, and NEVER WANTING TO MISS A THING?
Because I do, and it fucking haunts me every day of my fucking life and it will until the day I die.
Even when I marry this man, because this time I'm sure that I will, and when I bare his children from my insides, just like you and I had planned, (do you remember the cream dress? The sunrise? The blonde haired blue eyed children we had talked about for hours? DO YOU?)
I know somewhere inside me I'll always wonder what if, and I'll always wonder where you are.
Even though you're a bullshitter.
"I'll always be there when you need me. Even if FOR SOME REASON WE NEVER TALK, if you need something, I'm there."
L I A R.
You broke my heart, worse than she did, worse than anyone ever has, and you know it.
And you have to live with it every day.
And I hope you're still looking at her, still seeing that she doesn't give you the affection you deserve, still seeing her smile isn't like mine, and somewhere inside,
I hope you're fucking miserable.
Because now, I'm not.
Under my layers of bliss, my layers of work ethic, my layers of hatred, I AM still miserable, and bitter, about the whole thing.
But I'm stronger now than I ever have been in my entire life and you're not around to see it.
I hope you're satisfied.
And I hope soon enough reality smacks you upside the head, because for the first time in my life, I'M not the one that needs it.
Sincerely yours,
Little one.
|
|
| Statement. |
[ | |
11.9.07 - 12.53am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nothing |
] |
When will women learn to keep their fucking hands off of what IS NOT THEIRS.
I'm getting so frustrated.
I swear to god, let me find out she has alterior motives.
I've had it up to here.
I'm trying my damndest to trust him 100% like he wants me to, but everyone's making me second guess.
I should be listening to my heart, but that's a REALLY fucking difficult thing to do when you've been hurt even HALF as much as I have in this whole dating thing.
I've had my heart broken two times.
Count them.
One.
Two.
In the past year.
One was major.
MAJOR MAJOR.
The other was minor.
I can't handle it again.
I won't let it happen.
I'm scared to death.
I can't keep making myself sick over this.
I don't want to be this way.
I hate crying, and I hate always wondering.
I don't know what to do with myself.
I know I'm not going to be able to sleep tonight now.
Not until I sit with him and look him in the eyes and settle this.
I'm gonna fucking fly off the deep end soon, I swear.
I'm so fucking happy right now, I love everything we have.
God, please...
I don't know what to do anymore.
|
|
| Awhile. |
[ | |
9.21.07 - 2.22pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
crushed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Mom talking. |
] |
It's been a while,
Since I could...
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while,
Since I first saw you.
And It's been a while,
Since I could stand on my own two feet again,
And it's been a while since I could call you.
-
But everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it may seem,
The consequences that I've rendered,
I've stretched myself beyond my means.
-
It's been a while,
Since I could say that I wasn't addicted,
And,
It's been a while,
Since I could say I love myself as well and,
It's been a while,
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do.
And It's been a while,
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you.
-
But everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as all it may seem,
These consequences that I've rendered,
I've gone and fucked things up again.
Again...
-
Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away...
Just one more peaceful day...
-
And It's been awhile,
Since I could...
Look at myself straight.
And it's been awhile,
Since I've said I'm sorry.
And It's been awhile,
Since I've seen the way,
The candles light your face.
And It's been awhile,
But I can still remember just the way you taste.
-
But everything I can't remember,
As fucked up as it all may seem...
To be, I know it's me.
I cannot blame this on my father,
He did the best he could for me.
-
And It's been a while,
Since I could...
Hold my head up high.
And it's been a while,
Since I said I'm sorry.
You didn't even have the decency to call me on my birthday.
And you know, the fact that I got into an argument with Trevor made the end of my birthday just as bad as the end of my birthday was last year.
Honestly, Fuck everybody.
I know I have a lot of shit to do to get to where I need to be in life but that doesn't mean I'm immature, or short sighted.
I'm personally realistic.
I'm so sick of everybody.
Every.
Fucking.
Body.
Everyone fucks me over, everyone tramples on my dreams and thoughts and NO ONE sticks around.
The only person who's stuck by me is Amanda, and for that I love her more than life.
|
|
| Knew. |
[ | |
9.16.07 - 11.33pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Nothing. |
] |
You took my hand,
You showed me how,
You promised me you'd be around.
Uh huh.
That's right.
I took your words and I believed,
In everything you said to me.
Yeah huh,
That's right.
If someone said three years from now,
You'd be long gone,
I'd stand up and punch them out,
Cause they're all wrong.
I know better,
Cause you said forever.
And ever.
Who knew?
Remember when we were such fools,
And so convinced and just too cool,
Oh no.
No no.
I wish I could touch you again,
I wish I could still call you friend,
I'd give anything.
When someone said count your blessings now,
For they're long gone,
I guess I just didn't know how,
I was all wrong.
They knew better,
Still you said forever.
And ever.
Who knew?
Yeah yeah.
I'll keep you locked in my head,
Until we meet again,
Until we,
Until we meet again.
And I won't forget you my friend,
What happened?
If someone said three years from now,
You'd be long gone,
I'd stand up and punch them out,
Cause they're all wrong and,
That last kiss,
I'll cherish,
Until we meet again...
And time makes,
It harder,
I wish I could remember.
But I keep,
Your memory,
You visit me in my sleep.
My darling,
Who knew?
My darling,
My darling,
Who knew?
My darling,
I miss you.
My darling,
Who knew?
Who knew?
Thanks for being just like everyone else.
|
|
| Forever. |
[ | |
8.8.07 - 1.39am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 chipper |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dope-Bitch. |
] |
A while back I posted a very miserable entry about wanting to meet an amazing boy, and I posted a description of what I wanted.
Look how close I've come to perfection.
Maybe I'll meet a tall, handsome, wonderful man there for me to fall in love with.
Someone that'll finally fix me.
Complete me.
Fill my void.
A man with
long hair and
(The boy wouldn't grow his hair out if you paid him.)
bright eyes.
Pale skin and
(He's tan as fuck.)
a smile to make me melt.
Likes Damien Rice, Fiona and a bunch of other weird music along with "mainstream crap", Grunge, and weird coffees.
(He's pretty much convinced coffee is the devil and thinks bands like Damien Rice are for wimps or girls.)
Adventurous, musical, romantic, artistic, spontaneous and understanding.
Someone with big strong hands to wipe my tears away, hold me at night, push me on the swings, pet my hair, carry me and make me feel pleasure I've never felt before.
Those distinct manly hands that only musicians, mechanics or carpenters have.
Someone who will appreciate me
in a corset,
(Thinks they are EXTREMELY bad for my health, and was repulsed by the photos of me in one.)
or me barefoot in a gypsie skirt
at an art festival.
(Refuses to attend art festivals. Eh. I tried.)
Me in uniform, or me in Pj's.
Sweatpants or tight jeans.
Someone who will let me carry on in my crazy nonsensical way and actually understand me to some degree, or at least pretend to.
Someone that'll love me regardless of situation.
Regardless of mom and dad, my past, and my present.
Epic win.
<3
I loves my boyfriendyfriend.
He said the ILY words on Mandi's birthday, heh.
I'm so pleased.
Leaving him is going to tear me apart.
I'm such a different person now, it's ridiculous.
I love these changes, and all these good things.
My life has finally gone from zig zag crookedness to some semblance of straight.
Halleigh fucking luia.
|
|
| Uncontrollable. |
[ | |
6.13.07 - 8.08am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 All Over The Fucking Place |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
None |
] |
It's weird being out here still.
I'm still trying to find my way around.
Still trying to show people who I am.
I have a boyfriend now, though, which is weird. I didn't think I'd end up actually together with anyone while I'm out here, but out of everyone I've met, I'm so glad it's him.
I'm wearing his hoodie right now, it's the only thing keeping me awake. Whatever he wears for cologne or what have you drives me absolutely crazy. I like how worn out this hoodie is, it's so broken in and comfortable. The edges of the sleeves are all torn, and it's huge on me because he's 6'2". It's a really pretty grey color too.
I've never dated a guy so close to my own age in my entire dating career, it's kinda nice though. I finally feel like I have one of those "high school romances", even though he just graduated and I'm doing the same ASAP.
He spent the night over at the apartment last night, I cleaned the whole thing top to bottom and my lovely assistant made a nice dinner of chicken, corn and onions, and scalloped potatoes. My brother bought Austrailian wine to go with it.
I wore my new red, jersey cotton dress that I just got from Express the other day when we went to the mall together, with my silver heels and my hair tied back. I actually felt beautiful.
We ate, as a family and I guess as a double date, drank wine and talked while watching Highlander, then eventually put in the sequel to Underworld and him and I curled up together.
We didn't fall asleep until about 3 this morning, but that's ok.
His skin is so soft, and tan in all the right places.
It's weird dating someone who actually gives a damn about me. Who does all the small things to show that he cares. Those little innocent cheek kisses sink all the way through me. Feels like I'm grungy tap water and he's running me through a filter. I've never gotten a chance to go on dates like this, or to be my own person in the way that I am right now. My brother told me that I'm an adult, I have the right to make my own decisions and act like an adult, but if I fuck up and act like a kid, he'll treat me like a kid.
Fair enough, I like this sense of freedom.
It's hard though.
I've never dated someone while loving someone else.
There's not a day that goes by that I don't want to be with Dyer. Being this far away from him is still so painful. Having to explain what's in my locket to people still gives me a stomach ache. That one little curl is all I have of him with me for now. I find it to be rather unfair. I'm just so glad he's unconditional.
El Amor De Mi Vida.
God, I'm just counting those fucking days now.
One year, and about three months left.
My mind is spinning.
...Now I know how he feels.
Anyway...
*Little sigh.*
Waking up to someone this morning freaked me out a little. I woke up to warm, soft skin, and arms around me. That's not something that's ever happened before, so it was a little bit much to handle at 6 in the morning. I was bitchy because it was early and I didn't want to come into work and have to get out of my little tan blanket nest and get up off of my not so little, tan boy. We laid there together for a half hour before I finally got up off the couch and got dressed.
I don't feel well today, my mind is being rung out like a dishrag and I've had pain in my ovaries since I woke up.
Today'll get better, but for right now, I don't know what I need to settle my nerves.
That Benedril that knocked me out last night is still floating through my bloodstream, making me really foggy and making the idea of curling up in a little ball on that aerobed over there seem like a good one, though I can't fall asleep at work.
I'm just glad that I'm going to be fine again mentally, even if only for a little while.
Proud of myself because I'm still pushing to make sure I will.
<3
One foot infront of the other now, darling.
|
|
| Miss. |
[ | |
5.16.07 - 8.49pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Aerosmith-I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing. |
] |
Aerosmith-I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing.
-
I could stay awake just to hear you breathing.
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming.
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender,
I could stay lost in this moment forever.
Every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure.
Don't want to close my eyes,
I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream will never do.
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
Lying close to you feeling your heart beating,
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming,
Wondering if it's me you're seeing.
Then I kiss your eyes,
And thank God we're together,
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever...
Forever and ever.
Don't want to close my eyes,
I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream will never do.
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
I don't want to miss one smile.
I don't want to miss one kiss.
I just want to be with you,
Right here with you,
Just like this.
I just want to hold you close,
Feel your heart so close to mine,
And just stay here in this moment,
For all the rest of time...
Don't want to close my eyes,
I don't want to fall asleep,
Cause I'd miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
Cause even when I dream of you,
The sweetest dream will never do.
I'd still miss you babe,
And I don't want to miss a thing.
Don't want to close my eyes,
I don't want to fall asleep,
I don't want to miss a thing.
Shit.
I miss him so bad.
I want him back here.
Back under the blankets with me.
Back holding me.
That song is the last song we danced to at prom.
Last song of the entire night.
I'm so short compared to him I had to be up on my tip toes to even attempt to rest my head on his shoulder.
I cried so hard.
I knew that this was going to happen, as soon as he left my world would shift and I'd miss him this way.
I hate this feeling in the bottom of my stomach and I have to deal with it for a little over a year.
Maybe I'll start pretending it's an ulcer.
Yeah, there's an idea, and a legitimate excuse.
Can anyone guess what I want for my birthday?
<3
I love you.
Oh and,
Amanda,
I'm so proud of you right now, in more ways and for more things than you probably know.
Iloveyoukiska.
|
|
| Come. |
[ | |
5.14.07 - 8.12pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Ashleigh On The Phone. |
] |
Come a w a y with me in the night.
Come a w a y with me,
And I will write you a song.
Come a w a y with me on a bus.
Come a w a y where they can't tempt us,
With their lies.
I want to walk with you,
On a cloudy day.
In fields where the yellow grass grows knee-high,
So won't you try to c o m e...
Come a w a y with me,
And we'll kiss,
On a mountaintop.
Come a w a y with me,
And I'll never stop loving you.
And I want to wake up with the rain,
Falling on a tin roof,
While I'm safe there in your arms.
So all I ask is for you to come.
Come a w a y with me in the night,
C o m e a w a y w i t h m e . . .
-Norah Jones.
Come Away With Me.
<3
Tonight's gonna be one of those very long nights, ladies and gentlemen.
Be prepared.
I love you.
Be prepared for that too.
|
|
| Longing. |
[ | |
5.12.07 - 11.15am
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
lonely |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Birds outside. |
] |
So, I'll give a day by day replay.
Day 1-Tuesday-The Arrival.
I'm so excited and so nervous all day long I almost pee my pants at least twice.
I paced the floor until Sam came over, then finished getting ready.
Dad came home soon after and we went up to the airport to get Dyer.
I shook the whole way there and almost threw up, my stomach was turning and fluttering so bad.
So we get there, and we find him.
I shrieked his name and lept into his arms, almost tripping over the curb in the process because I was in heels.
He looked adorable, I couldn't even take it.
Seeing him was the most surreal thing I've ever gone through, I couldn't believe that he was actually infront of me.
It almost freaked me out, but I was so excited I didn't even care.
So, we got in the car and talked almost non stop for the whole ride back home.
I'm pretty sure I was bright red the entire time.
Dad cooked dinner and Dyer and I snuggled up on the couch for a while before he went back to the hotel, called me, listened to me nearly having an orgasm over the truffles his dad made for me and how delicious they were and then we eventually fell asleep on the phone.
Day 2-Wednesday-Pre Prom Prep.
Probably one of the busiest days, if not THE busiest day, we had.
We woke up nice and early, and he ended up having to come with me to get my pedicure done.
We were walking around the corner from my house and some little old lady fell down and a UPS guy and Dyer saved her. It was adorable watching his superhero complex in action.
After that whole fiasco, pre-mall, we went to the park and played on the swings for a little while, then went to another park and laid under a tree to just kind of talk and relax. I had nasty stomach cramps that I needed to let rest for a minute, I'm sure they were from all the stress.
On the way to the mall we came across a cute little florist and decided that's where we wanted our flowers done so we went in there and ordered our roses.
They came out so beautiful when we actually went to pick them up the day of prom. We chose a nice deep red to offset the cream/black theme we had going on.
Eventually we made it to the mall and I got bombarded by seagulls, leaving me with a nice big cut on my hand from trying to flee from them.
Ok, so, they didn't exactly attack me per se, but they're still scary.
I went into the nail shop for my pedicure and he found it hillarious how tight I had to squish his hand to avoid from moving all around and laughing while the lady was working, due to how ticklish my feet are.
I had already had my manicure done but neither one of us cared for it and they were already beginning to grow out so he threw in some extra money and I got my manicure revamped. It came out excellent, and very vintage.
Post-that, we went to Burger king so he could try a Mochajoe, since I rant about how good they are all the time, and then we went to the tux place to get fitted.
So, we're standing there, and the guy measures him all up and then puts one of the extra "fitting jackets" on him, to make sure that the jacket we actually get would fit right.
Tell me I didn't get weepy out of nowhere.
There I am in the middle of the tux place with these wee little tears coming down, standing there telling him "Awh baby you look so handsome!" over and over again.
We were told to pick up the tux the next day after twelve in the afternoon at the main store, so we thanked the guy and left.
Dad decided after that, that we should go up and see my mom.
So we grabbed food, and went up to the hospital to see her.
She LOVED. Dyer.
LOVED HIM.
Thought he was the cutest, sweetest thing since kittens.
We hung around up there for a bit, get out into the parking lot and Tes calls me, wanting to meet the boy and hang out.
So of course I say sure and we end up all going out. We went to the auto parts place first because her car was falling apart, as per usual, then we went up to my lovely tattoo/fetish shop.
Dyer got to meet all the boys and wander around the store that I'm going to be working in starting next week, even if it is only for a few days.
Shortly following that we came back here, hung out for a few minutes, he hailed a cab back to the motel, called me and we fell asleep on the phone.
Day 3-Thursday-The Main Event.
Talk about excited!
We woke up REALLY early and he came here to hang out for a little bit to pass the time until we had to pick up his tux.
It was weird being with him absolutely alone at first, but we had an awesome time being ridiculous.
We behaved, don't worry.
Noon rolled around and we went to get his tux, then went to lunch at a local resturaunt.
The boy ordered a salad, I had a full plate of southern sweet fried chicken and mashed potatoes.
Tell me that isn't backwards.
From there we walked down so I could get my hair done.
It took her almost two hours to do my hair, and an assload of bobbie pins and hairspray but it came out fantastic.
Time kept slipping away faster and faster and before you know it, it was after 6 and I'm still in the hairdresser.
Prom started at 6.
By the time my hair was said and done and paid for, the two of us were dressed and we actually made it there, it was already after seven, but neither one of us cared.
He got dressed in the downstairs bathroom and I got dressed in the up, so that I could make my entrance.
Major, MAJOR rush job, on both of our behalfs.
It took me less time to put on my dress, shoes, jewelery and makeup than for him to get his tux on. That made me laugh.
When he was finally ready and waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs I started to walk down the steps and the two of us were actually, totally and entirely awe striken by the each other.
He looked so amazing in his tux.
Black pants, black jacket, white shirt, ivory herringbone tie and matching vest.
We went out into the kitchen and dad helped me pin his rose to his jacket lapel and he put my corsage on my wrist.
The thing took up half of my forearm and was bigger than the biggest part of my hand, but it was beautiful.
Dad did the mandatory taking pictures thing and we rushed out the door.
Two steps out the door, the head of his rose falls off and hits the ground.
I was so angry.
We had to ghetto rig it big time to get it to stay on, but we did, and we made it there in one piece.
I was really bitchy when we first got there but that eventually subsided.
We took our places at the table, and then we went around so I could say hi to people. My cousin had told everyone that my date was coming out here from California which made me (and him) the hit of the prom. No one could believe that he came all the way across country just to go to our little rinky dink "school function."
A lot of girls were really jealous because of it, actually.
<3
Everyone had questions about Cali and everyone's frequent drug use out there, which made me laugh as well.
After all of that commotion, we went up and got our food, ate, then went to get our professional pictures done.
I cannot wait to see them, from the way they looked on the screen when she showed them to us they came out fucking beautiful.
I got annoyed again when everyone started to dance because everyone was off doing their own thing, which is not normally how it goes, and Dyer doesn't dance.
That changed by the end of the night, but still.
Eventually a couple of girls I've known forever, and myself, found each other, formed a little group and danced for hours.
I got so ridiculous and so carefree, I haven't been that way in a long, LONG time.
Dyer followed us around watching me and smiling all night. He was so happy to see me happy and I was so happy to make him happy that everything worked out perfectly.
I only missed maybe two songs, three at most, the whole night.
Every slow song him and I would get all mushy and cute, including "pfft" fights and the last song of the night was my cue to cry like a little sissy girl.
Damn you Aerosmith and your not wanting to miss a thing.
I taught him, in a way, how to fast dance as well. He's pretty good for a newb. <3
The night came to an end, we robbed a bunch of centerpieces, baloons and other assorted goodies, and left.
(I had one balloon with me all night, it was a red one with a silver ribbon, but Dyer accidentally murdered it, which made me quite sad.)
We brought him back to the hotel and he did one last twirl with me in the parking lot before saying goodnight.
I got home, took a bunch of pictures of my fabulous hair, changed and he called me.
We talked for a while before, yet again, we fell asleep on the phone with each other.
A WONDERFUL time was had by all.
Prom was absolutely as wonderful as I had hoped it would be and him being there with me was just, perfect.
Day 4-Friday-Picnic!
That was the first day I was actually stress free.
With prom being said and done I could really enjoy his company.
We slept in a little later than usual and dad decided he was going to take us out to the coast and such.
We went to a bunch of the really expensive clothing stores out there and what have you, then went to get some food.
We took the food down to a little gazebo thing on the waterfront and just pigged out.
Cheese ravioli for him, chicken fingers wth sweet and sour for me and bbq chicken garlic onion pizza for us to split.
After that we drove further down, looking at all the mansions and whatnot, then came down by the beach.
We went out to this little rock formation and met some of the people we had seen in the pizza place. We talked to them for a bit and I went off eventually to play on the shoreline. He got a kick out of me screeching over the temp of the water and getting soaked.
Taking off from there and driving further down still we came across a carnival going on, so we hung out there for a bit. It was right on another beach so it was beautiful.
We went on the ferris wheel (of course, both of us being sappy romantics, couldn't resist, and the view from the top was breathtaking), and then he won me a little stuffed duck that we named Down-y, because he's crosseyed and lopsided.
We're horrible people.
While we were in the shops I mentioned up there, he bought me a five dollar terrycloth mini finger puppet.
It's a little green turtle with a purple shell, and damn it to hell if that thing doesn't make me giggle every time I look at it.
After the ferris wheel and recieving of Down-y we went and played on the beach. My pants got soaked when I got revenge on the seagulls, misjudged the shoreline and a wave tackled me. I wrote our names in the sand and took pictures of them, and then we just kind of hung out to enjoy the sun and each other.
Cute stuff.
When we got back home, I changed into my pjs and we hung out on the couch all curled up and watched House. First time I had ever really watched it and definately not my last.
We snacked on some more food and got into a good playfight, which eventually consisted of him throwing me over his shoulder and me screaming and slapping him on his legs and back and ass, demanding he put me down.
That bastard.
When he had to go back to the hotel for the night, there were some tears, as there had been on and off all day from me, but I handled it really well concidering I knew full well that the next day, (today), would be my last day with him.
As usual that night, Hotel, Phone, Me falling asleep on him.
Day 5-Saturday-All Good, Amazing, Things Must Come To An End.
We decided to wake up freakishly early this morning to make sure that we got every little ounce of time we could squish out wth each other.
He didn't even really sleep, poor thing.
He called me around 6 AM, and was here by around 6:30.
We hung around all snuggly and whatnot until my body decided it was acceptable to wake up.
I got dressed and we went out for breakfast.
I got waffles with whipped cream and strawberries with a cup of tea and he got a full plate full of stuff with some raspberry lemonaide.
After eating we walked back to the park we went to on the first day and laid there in the grass together, conversing and being loving (and probably very sickning to anyone that was watching us, since we're always cutesie cutesie with each other).
It finally started to sink in for him that he was leaving in a few hours so he got a little sulky and I started getting really sad.
We came back to the house for the last time and sat on the couch together. After a little bit of talking and a tickle fight it was time for us to take him to the airport.
My eyes welled up with tears when we got out to the car but I fought them good with a little bit of extra breathing.
However, not the case when we got right up near the airport and I started to cry a lot.
I don't think I've ever felt my heart sink so low than when I had to say my last goodbye to him.
I cried pretty much the whole way home, touching my locket and talking through it with my dad.
Oh, yeah, the locket.
Day four, we decided that my locket that had been empty since I left Jon needed to have a purpose again.
So, that being said, I found the prettiest little curl I could see in his hair, sectioned it off with a clear elastic and snipped it. Wound it small enough so it could fit inside my locket and tucked it in there.
After the dropoff, I came home and sulked under the blanket we'd been laying under since day one, and eventually got some more breakfast in my system to try and stop my stomach from aching so bad.
He called me a little bit ago, from Detroit, his first layover, and it felt like needles were sticking in my stomach.
I miss him so much already.
So much more than I was ready to face, too.
He'll call me again at his second layover, and again when he gets back to Cali, but those phonecalls aren't going to be the same as the ones where he'd say "I'll be there to see you in a few minutes."
I hate distance, and the fact that we're gonna be in two completely different time zones again.
This week was and is without a doubt the most irreplaceable week of my life.
Most amazing one I've had in a while.
But shit...
"How I Wish You Were Here."
Doesn't even sum it up right now.
<3
"The heart, it's a weird thing, you know?"
Yeah daddy, I guess I do.
|
|
| Loca. |
[ | |
5.7.07 - 9.45pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
NIN-The Perfect Drug. |
] |
I think I'd be better off alone.
Locked away inside a room without any doors.
Is this really what I was meant to be?
Is this really all there is for me?
Someone tell me that there's something more then this.
Could I be better off asleep?
Asleep...
The small hand slowly ticks away.
Reminding me again that its just a passing phase.
A cigarette to calm my nerves,
Anything to pass the time and pacify the hurt.
Someone wake me when this is over.
Someone tell me when this is over.
Someone wake me when this is over.
Someone wake me when this is over.
-Ghost Machine
Siesta Loca.
|
|
| Echo. |
[ | |
5.7.07 - 7.41pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 Worn The Fuck Out. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Incubus-Warning |
] |
I just spent hours upon hours cleaning my house for his arrival tomorrow.
I'm really nervous but Sam's coming with me.
Everything's coming together but falling apart at the same time.
I got the money from my brother today for my trip to Colorado.
Whenever that may be.
Found out my sister's moving to Colorado in July as well.
Scares me to know that I'm going to be without her.
She's my escape when the world comes crashing down half the time.
My body feels weird right now.
I'm in that inbetween place, where I'm not happy or sad.
Excited or scared.
But I have tears stinging at the corners of my eyes.
Plan's aren't supposed to be getting annihilated this way.
I think I inhaled too many cleaning products today, my brain feels like it's falling apart.
There's song lyrics on repeat in my head that are supposed to be a reminder of what I'm fighting for.
What makes me happy.
But it's not.
But, I'm trying.
I really am.
This summer could make me or break me.
I have a feeling I need to break to be made, or I'll be made to be broken.
Tomorrow will be better than this.
I know it will.
I need sleep.
<3
"There's something about the look in your eyes,
Something I noticed when the light was just right.
It reminded me twice that I was alive,
And it reminded me that you're so worth the fight.
Ooh yeah.
My biggest fear will be the rescue of me.
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah.
Could you show me dear,
Something I'm not seeing.
Something infinitely interesting.
There's something about the way you move.
I see your mouth in slow motion when you sing.
More subtle than something someone contrives
Your movements echo that I have seen the real thing
Ooh, yeah.
Your biggest fear will be the rescue of you
Strange how it turns out that way, yeah..."
-Incubus.
Echo.
|
|
| Transmission. |
[ | |
5.6.07 - 5.20pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Hormonal. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
CSI |
] |
Prom's on thursday.
I'm so stressed out I broke out in a rash this morning.
I need to relax, but it's hard when everyone keeps making me doubt everything.
Deep meaningful talks with my cousin at three in the morning make things easier, even if only for a little while.
I never care how cold I get at night when I'm outside for some reason.
I want someone to take this sting out from behind my eyes, the lead out of my lungs, the bullshit out of my heart.
I. Hate. Having. My. Period.
My hormones are getting the best of me.
I just want someone to understand.
<3 I’m floating down a river,
Oars freed from their holes long ago.
Lying face down up on the floor of my vessel,
I marvel at the stars,
And feel my heart overflow.
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Two weeks without my lover,
I am in this boat all alone.
Floating down a river named ‘emotion’,
Will I make it back to shore,
Or drift into the unknown?
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
I’m building an antenna,
Transmissions will be sent when I am through.
Maybe well meet again further down the river,
And share what we both discovered…
Then revel in the view.
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
Further down the river...
I'm floating down the river...
-Incubus.
Aqueous Transmission.
|
|
| Dig. |
[ | |
5.3.07 - 8.08pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 flirty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Madonna-My Baby's Got A Secret. |
] |
Sometimes
All that matters are the
Stars
And how you look at them.
<3
Something's coming over me.
|
|
| Revived. |
[ | |
4.29.07 - 3.58pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Evanescence-Missing |
] |
So, Prom's back on cause Sam's god damned wonderful!
Yay for me getting to wear my pretty dress!
Oh I'm so excited!
I called Dyah up, screaming in his ear and unable to breathe out of excitement.
Life is sweet sometimes.
<3
Yellow is happiness....
What person makes you happiest?
Mandi, Dyah, Tes, Ryan.
Is there a song that just always cheers you up no matter what?
Lots of them.
Any food or drink that gets you in a cheery mood?
Coffee. Lately, Vanilla Chai.
You are happiest when you...
When I feel like I'm mentally stable for once.
Are there any images or designs or colors that make you
happy?
I love polka dots
Do people generally see you as a happy person?
Everyone thinks I'm happygirl.
Are you really a happy person?
As often as I can. Sometimes it takes a little bit more effort than I care to give though.
Orange is for anger....
What could someone say to you that would totally piss you off?
If anyone else besides Jon tried saying the shit he said the day that we broke up, they'd get punched. That work?
When you're mad at no one in particular, what do you do?
Vent about everything and anything that comes to mind, usually using metaphor to dance around what I'm actually mad about.
When you ARE mad at someone, what do you do to them?
Lay the motherfucking smack down. <-Agreed, Mandi.
Do you find yourself angry much of the time?
More like, "slightly pissed off."
Is there anyone in your life whom you just HATE?
Dear fucking lord yes.
What usually causes your fights with your friends?
My attitude usually sparks it, other than that it's usually stupid insignificant shit.
Red is for passion....
What is your passion?
Hmm. I don't think I have a "specific" passion. I'm passionate about a large variety of things.
Do you have very strong opinions?
Usually.
What current problem in the world are you most concerned about?
*Shrug*
Do you like to do artistic things, like write, draw, sing, etc.?
Absolutely.
Do you ever let people other than close friends hear you sing?
It depends on my mood.
Are you protective of your friends and loved ones?
Incredibly. <-'Greed.
What is something you absolutely love to do?
Hmm. I'm not gonna answer this because my answer is very long and hard to understand.
Pink is for love.....
Do you believe in true love?
Yes.
Do you think long-distance relationships work?
They do when effort is put into them.
Are you currently in a relationship?
No
Do you hope to get married someday?
Absolutely.
If yes, do you sometimes fantasize about your wedding?
All the time. I almost had a wedding dress once, remember?
What is your sexual orientation?
Bisexual.
Do you support gay marriage?
Yes.
When dating, do you prefer your partner to be more sexy or cute?
A good strong mix of the two, each has a time and a place.
Purple is for inner strength.....
Where do you feel most peaceful?
In my yard first thing in the morning, just as the earth starts waking up. It's a rare thing that I actually get up and out to enjoy it but when I do, it's unbelieveable.
What is the one thing that can always calm you down?
Talking to Dyer.
Do you ever feel like you are not in control of your emotions?
All the fucking time. It takes a lot of me to even try to control them sometimes.
Are you a pushover?
I can be, I know that for sure.
Can you admit that you have faults in your personality?
Of course. I have a lot of them actually, but you know what, if you don't like them you don't have to deal with them. Seeyalaterkthxbai.
Do you have any kind of mental/emotional disorder(s)?
A whole fucking bunch of them. For your doctor to tell you that you're probably gonna kill yourself, you know you're pretty bad.
Blue is for sadness.....
Do you feel sad when someone you don't know dies?
It depends, ya know? I mean, when they talk about Kurt Cobain's suicide, I'll admit to crying over it. Brilliance shouldn't die so young.
Do you feel like we need to remember the Holocaust?
I've gone to assemblies for it before, but you know, if it affected you or your family that's one thing...
What makes you most sad?
That inner ache...
Do you feel lonely often?
Very. VERY. Often.
Worried or anxious?
My anxiety is always pretty high.
White is for imagination......
Do you daydream?
When am I not?
Are you very creative?
Yes.
Do you like fantasy and horror movies more than real-life based ones?
Not really.
Who is your favorite artist? Remember, artists aren't just painters and stuff.
I like a lot of people for a lot of different reasons. I admire Mandi's work a lot because I know her and love her and I think everything she produces is fucking gorgeous and to know someone who can do that kind of thing is cool. Fiona Apple for the way she writes and for being so brilliant. There's a LOT of people.
Your favorite animated movie?
I love disney movies.
Do you love to draw?
I enjoy it but because I can't as well as I want to it frustrates the living shit out of me.
If yes, what do you draw most of?
Portraits and eyes and whatever else I see and think is cool.
Black is for fear.....
What is the scariest movie you've ever seen?
The hills have eyes may be stupid to some people but to me it was fucking HORRIBLY scary. Cried my face off.
Do you like scary video games?
Sure.
What are some of your fears?
Getting into a car accident (*) , Spiders, Some heights, Midgets.
Do you believe in ghosts?
Not really.
Vampires?
I probably should at this point.
Werewolves?
No
Zombies?
No.
Aliens?
No
Do you have any fears of the future?
A little.
Are you scared of the dark?
Sometimes.
Do you like scary stories?
Some.
Do you still dress up on Halloween?
Yes. I'm gonna be a military pin up girl this year!
<3
( * ) For anyone that doesn't know, I got into a car accident on the highway the other day with Tes and the gang. We didn't hit anyone, but we hit someTHING that made the gas tank get a HUGE hole in it and leak all down the highway until we got to the gas station and got it all straightened out. We got into the accident a little after 10 and were there until after 2 in the morning.
If one rogue spark would have hit that trail of gas we would have all been dead.
We're all fine and if it weren't for the boys we would have been fucked.
|
|
| Nose. |
[ | |
4.25.07 - 9.22pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
stressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Gym Class Heros-Cupid's Chokehold |
] |
"If I Had To Choose Her Or The Sun,
I'd Be One Nocturnal Son Of A Gun."
<3
Got my nose pierced today.
It hurt a lot worse than any of my other piercings have.
Earlobes-Painless, and I was too young to know.
Upper ear-Like a warm bee sting, almost painless
Belly button-Sure, you can't sit right for a while and sleeping is a bitch but hmm, only slightly painful.
Eyebrow-Needle through the face. Not always such a good idea. Hurt bad the first and second day and facial expressions were the death of me, but I got over it.
Nose-Heaven help me.
I felt like someone uppercut me in the nostril.
I made the loudest (moaning.) noise when the needle went in and whimpered the whole time after.
The needle was chillin on my lip and it was vibrating with my whimpers.
Not cool.
It hurts only very slightly now and I can already play with it but, it fucking hurt.
I love my piercings to death, and I never wuss out over them.
The second he put the clamp on my nose I fucking flipped out.
Thank god it was Keith and he's patient and loves me.
I am his favorite girl after all.
This morning I found out that I can't go to prom.
It felt like someone stabbed me for a second.
It meant the world to me to have one night just to be sane and they couldn't even give me that.
Dyer's still coming though.
I can't wait to see him.
Right after that I'm taking off for Colorado.
Fuck this place.
I'll be coming home, no doubt, I need to be here for Tes and Ryan's birthdays.
But I hate it here.
Also.
I'm tired of feeling these things and saying these things and wanting these things.
I really am.
I want something that's just mine.
I'm so tired of feeling like I'm just getting group treatment.
Like I'm being lied to and gyped out of something that truely belongs to me,
Just me,
But that everyone else is also so privilaged to get.
That needle through my face today was supposed to be my usual piercing for stress relief.
Guess I didn't take a deep enough breath beforehand.
Oh well.
"I understand why people sometimes want to kill their lovers,
Eat their lovers,
Inhale the ashes of their dead lovers.
I understand that this is the only way to possess another person
With the kind of desperate longing that I have to take him inside of me. "
–Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation
I love you.
|
|
| Fade. |
[ | |
4.24.07 - 11.56pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
moody |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fiona Apple-To Your Love. |
] |
Ok this is gonna be quick cause I don't feel like being downstairs anymore.
Derek called me tonight, he brightens my day every single time he calls.
I was UBER. UBERUBERUBER bitch to Dyer all morning this morning and looking back on it makes me wanna cry.
My poor baby.
I'm glad Mandi didn't get torn a new one by Adam, saves me a lot of "freaking out on Mandi's lover" time.
My school sucks, I have to wait until tomorrow now to find out about prom.
I'm so nervous about it, I've had tense muscles for almost a week now.
I hate when people don't give me the fucking straight answers I look for.
Talked to my brother today, getting my money sent to me for Colorado on Friday so I can order my plane ticket whenever I'm ready.
I REALLY can't believe I'm going.
Rah rah rah.
My mind hurts.
This makes me laugh.
"I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals.
She was saying,
'He loves me, he loves me not.'
Thank god the flower can't talk!
What would it say?
'Fuck! That hurts!,
Fuck! That hurts as well!
Fuck, leave me alone...
I'm no longer pretty.
...And he loves you not.
I could have told you I had an even number of petals!"
-Mitch Hedberg.
And to sum up tonights entry so I can go lay down and get rid of these cramps, wait for Dyer to get home for cuddles and stuff my face full of food that I probably shouldn't eat before bed time, is a survey I stole from Amanda.
I love you.
<3
|
|
| Space. |
[ | |
4.20.07 - 11.38pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 content |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
My Gorgeous Kurt Clock Ticking. |
] |
First off.
I love that my dad gave me this Disarrono (Spelling just went to shit.) in this itsy bitsy glass.
He has no idea I know what it's like to feel the room spinning from drinking too much.
That throwing up isn't always from food poisoning.
That dry heaves are NEVER a good thing.
That when the room is flipping every way possible and you're laying down on a bed, you actually cling to the bedsheets so you don't fall off.
That when you throw up for about five hours in your sweethearts ear, you really do want to die.
Sweet memories.
<3
Second of all,
Happy 4:20 to all my stoners.
But anyway.
I don't know why I always write in here when I'm waiting for Dyer to get home from work.
I guess it's my only quiet time.
I don't usually listen to music when I type up this shit at night, just at the end of the entry I'll throw something on so I can fill in the "music" blank at the bottom.
Usually it's just me, Luna shuffling in her cage, and my Kurt Cobain wallclock ticking.
God I fucking love that man.
I have had a horrible day today, from the moment I woke up until the moment my father fell asleep.
One thing after another after another.
"Wow, when you have bad days, you REALLY, have bad days."
The icing on today's shit cake:
My other computer crashed so I had to restore it from scratch.
Lost all my music, all my pictures that I didn't write to disk including the ones of Kai's wedding and the photoshop things I've done recently, all my music videos...
Every.
Fucking.
Thing.
The only thing on it now is the Sims cause I stuck that in there a bit ago so it wouldn't be a totally empty machine, and so I'd have something to do.
Besides that,
My mothers birthday is tomorrow, she's going to be fifty five.
That's crazy to me since they told her that she was going to die when I was 7.
Almost 10 years ago now.
I think when I go on vacation, she's what I'm going to miss most.
I wish I had someone to fall asleep with tonight, I miss hearing the breathing of someone drifting into sleep on the side of me.
Sam's sleeping over tomorrow night, I hope she hasn't changed THAT much, and will still cuddle to me like we used to.
Who knows.
My house is making all sorts of weird noises and it's scaring the hell out of me.
The heat's kicking on, that's all it is, but regardless.
The hot water tank thingie whatsits is right below where I'm sitting, so the clanging and rushing of the heat kicking on is echoing in the stairwell on the side of me.
Last night, Sarah, Her Joe, My Dyah and myself sat around in a chatroom for a while.
I laughed a lot, I loves me some Sarah and some Dyah.
Joe seems sweet, I probably frightened him though.
I tend to do that, I'm a little monster.
I don't know why I'm still carrying on with this entry.
I could be laying in bed reading or eating or something productive instead of babbling on in a journal that no one reads anymore.
Not that I actually lay in bed around this time anyway, I sit infront of the tv on the floor and wait until he's home and all set to lay down.
Talk about fucking habits.
But onto more important things...
Amandaface and I actually got some time to talk today, I love getting that time with her.
I was really really stressed out and she was making italian wedding "soupie."
She "fed" me some bread, let me rant, and was just kinda, there.
She eventually started playing video games and killing things in true Mandi fashion, so I went and wrestled my computer for a few hours.
It's nice having her just "there" once and a while.
Sometimes I really forget how much I love her still.
It kicks on once and a while full force and I just kinda get like...
"Oh yeah. Her. I love her. Why? Who knows. But I do. A lot. And that hasn't changed. It's grown and shrunk in intensity, but the core of it all, that little place inside the "apple of love" where all the little "love seedies" are (...That could be very easily mistaken for a testicle refference...) hasn't changed one fucking bit."
Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it pisses me off, sometimes it makes me feel overwhelmed with either joy or sadness, but I do.
And that boy, you know, the one who listens to me cry all the time?
That one guy that I talk about oh so often?
He's caught an earfull, a million times over, about that love, and about that girl.
He's listened to me whine and scream and rant and bitch and cry about that girl.
He's heard me laugh and squeal because of that girl, and has heard all about the warm feelings I get from that girl.
It's not as one sided as you think, my dear.
And I hate.
HATE.
When she doesn't fucking realize how beautiful she is, or how much she means to me.
It kills me, in all honesty.
I love my Kiska, though.
Forever and ever.
<3
Mandi baybee I love you so much.
I love you too
Forever and ever?
Until I can no longer pull a breath, sweetheart.
I don't think anything that anyone has said to me in the past month has even come close to meaning as much as that did.
I love you, Amanda.
|
|
| Pale. |
[ | |
4.18.07 - 11.23pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
Who knows? |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Fiona Apple-Carrion. |
] |
Pale september,
I wore the time like a dress that year.
The autumn days swung soft around me, like cotton on my skin.
But as the embers of the summer lost their breath and disappeared,
My heart went cold and only hollow rhythms resounded from within.
But then he rose,
Brilliant as the moon in full,
And sank in the burrows of my keep.
And all my armour falling down,
In a pile at my feet.
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep.
He goes along just as a water lily,
Gentle on the surface of his thoughts his body floats.
Unweighted down by passion or intensity,
Yet unaware of the depth upon which he coasts.
And he finds a home in me.
For what misfortune sows,
He knows my touch will reap.
And all my armour failing down,
In a pile at my feet.
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep.
All my armour falling down,
In a pile at my feet.
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep.
All my armour falling down,
In a pile at my feet.
And my winter giving way to warm,
As I'm singing him to sleep.
Fiona always seems to correlate to everything.
New icon, too.
You jump.
I jump.
That's how it fucking goes.
Everything in me feels like lead. I woke up this morning to Dyer's voice startling me out of a nightmare, one of those real ones that you can actually feel. I was being pinned down and bitten by scary things.
All sorts of evil looking scary things just tearing at my flesh, ripping my back and ribs and sides to pieces.
I was breathless when I woke up, took me a minute to even remember to say "Hello."
I've cried so much over the course of the past week, especially the past two days.
I'm so sick of fighting to have good things in my life.
All I fucking do is fight all the time, to have, to get, to keep anything.
Supposedly, Colorado's back on.
And, a lot sooner than planned probably.
We're thinking maybe four to five days after prom.
Oh prom...
<3
So much stress, for (Hopefully.) so much benefit.
I'm trying to remember how to breathe again, but for a totally different set of reasons this time.
It's like the whole "one pill makes you bigger, one pill makes you small" thing, just with people instead of drugs.
And oh believe me,
I am so fucking tired of being Alice in this fucking "wonderland", lemme just say that right now.
I need so much strength right now to make it from day to day, it's fucking ridiculous, and it's killing me.
I have the people I need to keep me kicking and that fantastic new drink from Burger King keeping me awake, though.
Mmm, they're totally my new addiction.
MochaJoes = <3
My chest constently hurts now too.
Too much/Too many
Caffinesecondhandsmokelovesunsetscryingsunrisesnarrowescapesheartachestressdramastressdramadrama.
That's right, I said it.
This summer better be fucking awesome, I swear.
I'll make it out of here for good someday though.
Here's to California dreamin'.
Still, after all that's happened, and all this time.
<3
Yay for being a stubborn bitch.
And, if you haven't noticed..
I'm starting to change a little again, too.
Oh boy.
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4.14.07 - 5.17pm
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Incubus-Southern Girl |
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Got my shoes, necklace and garter belt for prom today.
Picked up another pair of shoes just to have in my collection too while I was there.
They were only 8 bucks and cuuuute.
All I need now for prom is my earings, a small purse, a disposable camera, a bracelet and stuff for my hair.
And, I got fake eyelashes also, to make me look extra pin up.
I'm so excited, it's only a little over twenty days away now.
It really snuck up on me, and the expenses are sneaking up on me even more.
So Far:
My dress-$60.00
Shoes-$12.00 (They were on sale from 30!)
Necklace-$8.00
Eyelashes-$6.00
Garter Belt-$6.00
And I still have more stuff to buy, plus getting my Mani/Pedi, and hair done.
Tickets to get in are $35.00 as well.
It's gonna be so worth it in the end.
<3
And in this moment,
I am happy.
Happy...
I wish you were here.
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deadhollywood4's journal
