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Breaking Bonaduche on tv. |
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This one's kind of just like, a normal, me talking to myself journal entry. *shrug*
Me and my dad got into another huge fight this morning and I ended up breaking my really nice wineglass with the candle in it that smells like christmas. I was pissed. Glass was everywhere when I woke up.
Last night was interesting to say the least. I'm exausted still and am in desperate need of a shower since I just woke up.
There's blood from my hand (cause I cut my thumb open, over my burn, how nice) all over my pillow, there's blood from my boob all over my shirt, there's blood from my vag. on the leg of my pants and that makes for a wonderful day now doesn't it?
I had a dream about my gorgeous Lady Jane, Adam and myself last night. It was cute. At least that made waking up to my dad being an asshead a little better cause I could recall this one quite well. See below.
It must have been morningtime, I was in a pink fluffy bathrobe, My sweetheart was watching tv with one leg curled under her. Adam had his head on her leg with his eyes closed, his legs over the arm of the couch, and she was running her nails lightly over his forehead. I was eating a muffin!...and sitting in the chair across the room.
I got up and went over to the both of them, lifted Adam's legs and put them over my lap, leaning up against mandi's shoulder. She reached up and ran her fingers through my hair and kissed my cheek. I took a bit of my muffin and got crumbs on Adam's bare stomach and it made her he-he giggle at him and brush them off.
(FOR THE RECORD: HE HAD PANTS ON, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.)
We were all so cozy and happy and warm and snuggly and in love.. Our appartment was beautiful. It was kind of a mix of my sister's house, Sam's house, Ashleighs house, My old apartment and bits of my dream house. We had white sheer curtains and a grey area rug in the middle of a kinda darkish wood floor. The walls were a creamy white color. We had a black iron glass table on the rug with candles in the middle of it that tied the room together, and a nice big tv with a wooden entertainment system that matched the color of the floor. We had a HUGE ivy plant next to the window, and the ivy was up and wrapped around the end of the curtain rod. Our couches were kind of a light sage green color and looked wicked soft. Everything was detailed and looked kind of expensive so one of us must have had a good job. *crosses fingers for CNA*
My theif of a lady leaned down and took a bite of my muffin and I got all disgruntled and went nose to nose with her. She swallowed the bite of muffin, licked my face and then gave me a kiss. "Whatcha gonna do?" was pretty much the gist of that. I wiggled all around from her licking me and wiped her spit off my face. Adam told me to stop moving so I poked him about 20 times in the stomach and he fell off the couch., leading both her and I to go into hysterics at him almost banging his head on the coffee table. She helped him up and gave him a kiss, I gave him a hug, he laid back down, I fixed the waist of his pants and pat him on the stomach. She robbed the rest of my muffin so I bit her, she squealed, and then I woke up.
I've been so unbelieveably happy the past few days. I've noticed a definate change in myself. I'm actually getting things done around the house instead of procrastinating. The only thing I'm not doing that dad would like me to do is go to school but that's ok. Little less than a month I'll be in that program and I'll be all set. The only thing that's going to upset me about that program is the fact that I'll be coming home from school so late that I'm going to be tired after working and going to school all day and won't be able to stay up as late as I usually do. I'll work a schedule out with my sleep and stuff once the program actually gets underway. It shouldn't be that big of a deal.
As a side note, I've never loved hearing the words "I love you too" as much as I do now. As cliche' as it is, you don't know what you've got till it's gone. You never think that you'd miss four words so much until you're telling a person that you love with all your heart that you love them and get nothing in return. I have such high hopes with everything right now. Everything's blissful. I'm so content. I love spending time with her and feeling that love again, I like spending time with Adam and getting along with him and getting to know him and talk to him, instead of wanting to stab him in the face. I love listening to music and thinking "someday we'll have that playing on the stereo in the kitchen/living room/our room/bathroom/whathaveyou." I love thinking that she'll be on the couch drawing, Adam'll be in the other room doing something and I'll be making dinner or baking cookies for us all.
When I first move there I want to move there before Adam does. I want to get into the swing of things with her and have what I anticipated since I first made the decision to move. I just want her to myself for a little when I get out there. It's not being selfish, it's just what's already been planned. It does sound selfish, I know, and I sound all greedy and what not but I honestly do love our arrangement right now. I don't mind her being with Adam and I at the same time at all. She's fair about it, she gives us both love and time equally. She doesn't treat one of us different from the other one, even if she does want to move out there for a while, which still scares the crap out of me. I can't blame her for not wanting to be out here. There's nothing here, and if I hate it, what makes me think she'll like it? I'd love her here though. I'd love for her to just come visit. I'd love for her to see the snow and I'd take her everywhere and show her everything. It's confusing how these moving plans are going to get underway but we still have a year and about 8 months or so, give or take a few, to get things sorted and who knows what'll happen in that time. I'm just going to live in the now, give her all the love I've got in my heart to give, and some I've had stored just for her since last time. I'm going to give Adam a shoulder to lean on when he needs it, arms to hug him when he's lost or excited, and an ear to listen to anything he wants to talk to me about. I'm here for him and he knows it. I went from wanting to kill him to wanting to know him and that change in myself has really shown me that I've grown up a lot over the past few months. I've become this advanced version of what I was about a year ago, everything's so new and improved and I like it. I'm trying to be accepting of my own faults and trying to love myself the best I can. That sounds so "hippie-wheat-grass" of me but it's true. I really want him to be able to come to me and talk about things without it being awkward. We both know where we stand, we know where the lines are drawn and we know that we both love our girl, and that's all we need really. My patience level has increased a lot, not with everything, but it has. I mean, for me to be able to grow my nails even a little bit again, proves that. The fact that I'm not chewing my nails down to nothing and making my fingers bleed and ache for days is an accomplishment for me. Everything is right now. I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of us. I love her more than anything in this world. I love the strength she gives me, the love, the encouragement, the friendship, the motivation and the self confidence. Like I've told her a million times now, I don't care how I look anymore, she think's I'm beautiful (gorgeous, excuse me.), and that's all I need. I don't need other people telling me, she loves my body, she loves my looks, she loves me for me. I don't need to impress anyone else, I have her. I still put on a big appearance when I go out. I get dolled up and look nice, because yeah, I love the attention, and yeah, I like to think that someone's going to notice me and say hey, be a model. That'll obviously never happen upon a trip to, walmart or something, but there's always that "Look like a princess=you are a princess" factor that my mom's enforced on me from the time I was born, and that's just kind of my thing.
There's so much more I could say but this entry is ridiculously long as it is, I'm starving, I want a shower and I'm stressed cause of dad being an asshole to me all day. Every time he's called he's been pissed, but whatever.
Mana, I love you so much sweetheart. If you read that entire thing, you deserve a cookie and a huge kiss.
I robbed your survey too, so..
<3
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